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Another anniversary

10/18/2016

8 Comments

 
It never gets easier. For some wounds, time is most definitely not a healer. In fact, time is often a cruel master.

Yesterday was the fourth anniversary of  the death of Maxwell Dennis Romeo, my son.

​Four years ago, I was sitting at my kitchen table wondering how I was ever going to sleep again and more importantly, what now? How do you plan for the funeral of your child? Where do you even begin?

​So I drank a lot of the very fine bourbon that a friend had smuggled into the ICU of Akron General earlier in the day where I was keeping vigil. We both had assumed I would be spending long days there while Max recovered from his very extensive injuries and the bourbon was a gift to help ease the nights there.

​We were so very wrong about that.

"Hurry up!" I hollered from the kitchen before he left for school on the day of the accident. Not "Goodbye." Not "I love you!"

​The next time I saw him he was unconscious and trapped in the twisted metal of his car.

I went to class yesterday because I had a quiz. I had thought about emailing my professor to explain why I wouldn't be in class that day (aka, revealing my tragic backstory), but I eventually nixed that idea largely because the syllabus provides no make-up options for quizzes.  
​
​After the quiz, I went outside to cry, which smudged my makeup. I subsequently spent a considerable amount of time trying to convince myself to go back into the classroom for the lecture and lab that followed. (Eventually I did.)

While I was outside, squatting against a brick wall and sobbing quietly, a small bird flew so close to me that I could feel it in my hair. It felt to me like the bird was acknowledging my pain. Or maybe not. Perhaps it was just a weird bird acting erratically. 

Nevertheless, I like my version better.
​

Just when I thought I would never discover another new photo of Max -- I mean, it's been four years already -- yesterday I found two of them. Photographs are like gold to a grieving mom, so finding two in one day is like winning the lottery.

Natalie was home from Kentucky this weekend for fall break (aka the shittiest time of the year.) She was planning to leave on Sunday afternoon to go back to school for Monday classes, but we talked her out of it. She pulled the "dead brother" card in emails to her professors Sunday night and left for school yesterday around the same time that I did.

Next year, we need a better plan. This was the first time in four years that I actually had to be somewhere on the anniversary, and I guess I didn't really understand how woefully unprepared I was for it.
8 Comments
Janet Billson
10/18/2016 07:30:02 am

Alison, I'm so very sorry. Anniversaries of terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad days are so tough. I'm glad that God sent you the gift of a weird bird, and the wonderful gifts of two new pictures of Max. I'm also thankful that Natalie stayed home to be with you a wee bit longer. I know it's not much comfort, but remember that many people are praying for you. Hugs, Janet

Reply
Alison
10/21/2016 07:04:58 pm

Thank you, Janet, for your prayers and your willingness to listen.

Reply
Carmon Friedrich
10/18/2016 11:16:37 am

Like 9/11 (too young, believe it or not, for JFK), I still remember where I was when I read about Max (I was in Monterey, looking at the ocean). I can't even begin to imagine the grief, dear Alison. Your heart is so big and it is broken still, yet the love for Max in all you write actually gives me a great deal of encouragement as I see how a mother cares for her child. You are one of the bravest people I know, and your family is blessed to have you. Thank you for sharing your broken heart with us and I am praying for you.

Reply
Alison
10/21/2016 07:03:09 pm

Thank you, Carmon. Your prayers and encouragement mean a lot to me.

Reply
Jenny Lauck link
10/18/2016 11:49:33 am

Alison, I remember reading somewhere that if a grey bird shows up like this, it's a message of peace and comfort. I think maybe that's true.

Keeping you in my heart. xox

Reply
Alison
10/21/2016 07:58:21 pm

I like that idea.

Reply
Thomas Benson
10/28/2016 02:49:26 pm

I said a prayer for your son. You are a very good writer.

Reply
Alison
11/1/2016 02:19:23 pm

Thank you.

Reply



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    Who's that?

    Much of the blame belongs to me,  Alison.  I am:  Wife to 1 man, Mom to 10 kids, and Farmer to a great many critters.

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